It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
