Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
