I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
