my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
my poor anus
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
