It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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