WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
