My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
