bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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