onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
