I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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