like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
