Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
