I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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