3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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