Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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