I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
this hospital has no fireball
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
