How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.