dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
