dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
