i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
