i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
