omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
