Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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