It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize