i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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