these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
