How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
