ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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