Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
