batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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