remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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