my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
