is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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