An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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