Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
