the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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