i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
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Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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