I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
