Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
