Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
