Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
