so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
