So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
