i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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