I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
