He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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