I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
