Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
