Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
