im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
