How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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