if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
