I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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