the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
